Counseling Parents in Pregnancy Loss - LPNI

Main menu:

Counseling Parents in Pregnancy Loss

LPNI Health Topic – November, 2019

Miscarriage and stillbirths are more common in our society than we would like to think.

Statistics tell us that one out of every four pregnancies terminates early. A spontaneous miscarriage can happen at any time during the pregnancy, but most often in the first trimester. The cause of a miscarriage is usually unknown, but can be because the unborn baby has fatal genetic problems. Usually, these problems are unrelated to the mother.

A pregnancy, whether planned or not, can be a joy, a time of excitement. When the

pregnancy terminates by a miscarriage, there are many mixed feelings. Although it is no fault of the mother or the father, it can be emotionally devastating. One of the fathers that I interviewed said that the pregnancy terminated while he was out of town, and he felt so helpless and guilty that he could not be there for his wife.

Here are some thoughts when you counsel a couple or an individual. Encourage them to

name the fetus, the baby and use the name rather than ‘it’. Talk about the baby and the plans

that could have been. Encourage the parents to hold the baby, confirm that he/she is theirs and claim him/her as their own. Depending on the development, they may want to examine the baby and take inventory of which features resemble them or their family, dress him/her, talk to him/her, sing to him/her, coo over him/her and love him/her. He/she is their child and they have the right to be with him/her.

Parents may ask if babies will be saved if they are not baptized. The pastor will be able to

answer the concern of the parents, to bring comfort and peace. He will assure Christian parents that they have hope that their child is in the loving care of a gracious and loving God.

Encourage a funeral service to say their goodbyes. A graveside service is one of the ways this can be done. If they do have a burial, a plot and a casket are needed. Making the arrangements helps the grieving process. A funeral service is a tangible way of loving and caring for the physical needs of a lost child.

Grief work is not easy. The pregnancy was expected to be normal and it was not. Often the mother and the father are at different places in their grieving. It is important that they

share feelings and thoughts. Fathers bond with a baby differently than mothers. A father’s

grief is muted, as he had not bonded as closely with the loss and cannot do with the child what was planned. The mother needs the support that comes from the father; she needs to feel his emotional and physical presence which allows the couple to grieve as a couple. Often, having a special Bible verse will comfort and soften the grief. Examples of verses that offer comfort are: Psalm 6; Matthew 5:4; Romans 6:28; Romans 8:38-39; 2 Corinthians 12:9.

Grieving can continue for as long as the need is there, helping the parents to grow closer. Remembering the baby at the ‘birth' date is important. In the United States, support groups, such as Compassionate Friends, are a healthy venue to share their grief and listen to others who are also experiencing the death of a baby. Some churches also have similar support groups. Often a hospital that has a maternal-infant unit will have an annual service for pregnancy loss.

Those who grieve are those who love. Without loving a lost child and wanting to be close to

him/her, there is no loss at death. Grief is a tribute to their love for the baby.

I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the

present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all

creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:38-39

Blessed are those who mourn, they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

Mary Hume BSN RN

Parish Nurse, Prince of Peace Lutheran Church

Topeka, KS 66614

Maryhme29@cox.net